cheekbonered:

LET ME TELL YOU A LIL SOMETHIN’ SOMETHIN’ ABOUT THAT BOOK SERIES I JUST REBLOGGED.

THE NAME OF THIS BEAUTIFUL AND HOLY SERIES IS SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT.

1. YEAH. HE’S A MUTHAFUCKIN SKELETON. AND HE CAN THROW FIRE.

HE HAS A TRAGIC BACKSTORY THAT WILL RIP YOU APART MY FRIEND, BUT YOU WILL LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT.

HE’S SASSY AS FUCK AND HAS A VOICE YOU COULD LISTEN TO ALL GODDAMN DAY.HE WEARS CLASSY SUITS AND DRIVES A BENTLEY. HE CAN DANCE. HE CAN SING. HE CAN FIGHT. HE’S A LEGEND AND A DETECTIVE. HE HAS SOME BIG-ASS ISSUES WITH AUTHORITY. 

HERE ARE SOME QUOTES FROM THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN.

1. “I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.” 

2. “Was it a test?” she asked. “I mean, I know I’m still new to this. I’m still the rookie. Did you hang back to test me, to see if I’d be able to handle it alone?” 

“Well, kind of,” he said. “Actually, no, nothing like that. My shoelace was untied. That’s why I was late. That’s why you were alone.” 

“I could have been killed because you were tying your SHOELACE?”

“An untied shoelace an be dangerous,” he said. “I could have tripped.”

She stared at him. A moment dragged by.

“I’m joking,” he said at last.

She relaxed. “Really?”

“Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I’m far too graceful.”

3. “We’re not really intruding,” he called down. “This is all a big misunderstanding.”

“Stop right there!” shouted one of them.

Skulduggery held his hand to an ear he didn’t have.

“What’s that?”

“Stop!”

“Keep going?”

“STOP!”

“OK, we’ll keep going.” 

2. THE MAIN CHARACTER

EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME IS ON THE BOOKS, THE TRUE PROTAGONIST AND BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER OUT IS STEPHANIE EDGLEY. REMEMBER THAT NAME, MUCHACHO. YOU CAN ALSO CALL HER VALKYRIE, BUT THAT COMES LATER.

STEPHANIE IS BADASS.THE STORIES START OUT WHEN SHE IS A WEE TWELVE YEAR OLD LIVING IN HAGGARD, IRELAND, AND PROGRESS UNTIL SHE IS EIGHTEEN.

SHE’S PRETTY DARN MAGICAL AND EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT IN A FEMALE CHARACTER. SHE’S REALISTICALLY FLAWED BUT SHE GETS ON WITH SHIT BECAUSE THERE’S BIGGER PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD. SHE KNOWSSHE’S HOT AND IS UNAPOLOGETIC FOR IT.

SHE’S CANONICALLY MORE MUSCLED THAN ANY OF HER LOVE INTERESTS AND IT’S SEEN AS A CHARACTERISTIC OF HER HOTNESS. THE BOYS DIG IT. AND SHE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT IF THEY DO OR DON’T.

SHE KICKS ASS, SHE’S SARCASTIC, AND WITTY AS HELL. BASICALLY SHE’S JUST AWESOME. 

BONUS POINTS - HER SKIN COLOUR IS DESCRIBED AS ‘PALE’ AND BURNING ‘LOBSTER-RED’ IN THE SUN BUT IT’S POSSIBLE TO BASICALLY HEADCANON HER ANY RACE, MY PERSONAL FAVE IS GOLSHIFTEH FARAHANI, SHE IS GORGEOUS AND TOTALLY MY CASTING CHOICE. SHE’S AMAZING. I WOULD JUST RATHER VAL NOT BE WHITEWASHED BECAUSE IT IS SO IMPORTANTOK.

THERE IS A MORE DETAILED WOC HEADCANON FOR VALKYRIE HERE BY ME ONCE YOU’VE STARTED THE SERIES

I PROVIDE THEE WITH QUOTES.

1. “They might be kittens,” she said hopefully.

"They’re stalking us.”

“They might be shy.”

“I don’t think it’s kittens, Valkyrie.”

“Puppies, then?” 

2. “I wouldn’t mind a sister either.”

"Any chance of that happening?”

“I can’t see what would be in it for my parents. I mean, they have the perfect daughter already - what more could they want?”

Tanith laughed, then tried to cover it up with a cough.

“Found something?” Skulduggery asked from behind them.

Tanith turned, looking serious. “No, sorry. I thought I had, but, no, it turned out to be, uh… more floor.”

Stephanie hugged herself, trying to stop her shoulders shaking from laughter.” 

3. THE BADASS WOMEN IN THIS SERIES ARE SO FUCKING PLENTIFUL IT MAKES ME WANT TO WEEP WITH JOY

I’M ONLY GOING TO GIVE YOU TWO BECAUSE I AM PRESSED FOR TIME BUT ONCE YOU READ THESE BOOKS YOU WILL BE ENLIGHTENED.

THERE’S CHINA “I WILL KILL YOU AND LOOK FAB WHILE DOING SO” SORROWS. SHE CAN MAKE ANYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH HER JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM AND DEALS IN SYMBOL MAGIC. SHE RUNS A LIBRARY. SHE CAN FIGHT DIRTY BUT ALWAYS LOOKS CLEAN. SHE NEVER FEELS GUILTY FOR MANIPULATION. SHE’S MORALLY GREY BUT WILL DEFEND THOSE SHE LOVES TO THE DEATH. SHE’S BETTER THAN YOUR FAVE BY LIKE TEN MILLION.

THIS IS, IN MY OPINION, A GREAT SUMMARY OF CHINA’S CHARACTER:

“That’s beautiful,’ Valkyrie said, looking at it.

Isn’t it? This necklace has cost two very fine men their lives. At times, I wear it in tribute to their sacrifice. Other times, I wear it because it goes with this skirt.” 

THERE’S TANITH “COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH” LOW. SHE’S CANONICALLY QUEER AND HAS HER OWN SPIN-OFF NOVEL. IT’S REQUIRED READING, GO DO IT. SHE HAS A SWORD. SHE WEARS TIGHT BROWN LEATHER A LOT AND RIDES A MOTORCYCLE. SHE’S REALLY HOT AND UNAPOLOGETIC FOR KNOWING SHE’S HOT. 

1. “Have you called the police?” Tanith asked.

Fergus gaped. “They, uh, they said they’d call by this afternoon.”

“Tell them not to bother. I’m his doctor.”

“What kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?” Beryl asked, snidely.

"The kind that looks good in it.”

4. SKULDUGGERY AND STEPH/VAL’S FRIENDSHIP.

THEY ARE LIKE, CO-DEPENDANT TO A DEGREE THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY RIP YOUR HEART OUT. SERIOUSLY. IT WILL KILL YOUR HEART, BUT YOU WILL LOVE IT.

THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH LIKE. THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING POTENTIAL BUT IF THE AGE GAP FREAKS YOU OUT THEN OK. THAT’S COOL. BUT SERIOUSLY:

1. “Give me Valkyrie back,” said Skulduggery, his voice weak.

2. “Valkyrie,” Skulduggery said, “I need you with me.”

“I’m here,” she said.

3. Skulduggery placed both hands on the table and leaned forward. “You’ve heard about me. You’ve heard about the things I’ve done.”

The smirk faded a little. “So?”

“So the stories you’ve heard are nothing compared to the truth, and the truth is nothing compared to what I’ll do to you if something happens to Valkyrie. I’m the worst enemy you could ever make, Silas. Look at me and answer honestly, do you believe me?”

Nadir swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Good.”

LIKE EVEN IF YOU DON’T SHIP THEM, THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS BEAUTIFUL AND THEIR CODEPENDENCY RIVALS THAT OF EVEN THE WINCHESTERS. LIKE, THEY WOULD LITERALLY DO ANYTHING FOR EACH OTHER AND THERE ARE QUOTES TO BACK IT UP BUT I DON’T WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING ELSE.

5. THE SASS. OH MY FUCKING GOD ATOP A GOAT, THE SASS.

IF SKULDUGGERY AND STEPHANIE/VALKYRIE WEREN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU:

1. “By the way, all joking aside, do I call you Ghastly or Elder Bespoke?”

“You can call me whatever you like.”

Vex nodded. ‘Thank you, Gladys.” 

2. “I’m sorry,’ said the shopkeeper. ‘I can’t understand your ridiculous accent.”

“My accent?”

“It is quite silly.”

“So you can’t understand me?”

“Not a word.”

“Then how did you understand that?”

“I didn’t.”

“You didn’t understand what I just said?”

“That’s right.”

“You understood that, though.”

“Not at all.”

The American glowered.

AND IF ALL THIS ISN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN IDK MAN. IDK. JUST FUCKING READ THE BOOKS THEY ARE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING YOU LOVE. THEY ARE CHRIST ON A CRACKER. THEY ARE LOVE. I JUST. I CAN’T. 

THERE IS A MUCH MORE COMPREHENSIVE POWERPOINT HERE BY THE GORGEOUS askskulduggerypleasant tumblr, AND I ADVISE YOU TO CHECK IT OUT.